Managing
by amor-remanet
Summary: Sirius knows it makes more sense for Remus to be the spy, but he has to tell him something that might save them. AU, SLASH, RLSB.


**Disclaimer: **None of these characters are mine, I'm just playing with them for a minute.

**A/N: **Written for day sixteen of LJ's Tell Me A Kiss challenge; the prompt was "wings" and the era was "AU." So, I took the old AU cliche of "Sirius doesn't go to Azkaban" and went with that. I'm probably going to write out two separate interim scenes for it later, but, in the meantime, there's just this.

Remus sits across the room from him, sitting on the sofa and reading the _Daily Prophet_ – cover stories, obituaries, all the "important" stuff – and he can't help but think, breathing over the surface of tonight's drink, that…Remus needs to know. The mistrust that's come between them recently doesn't belong there. They're best mates now that James is a father and Peter's been off…wherever he goes. They're flatmates and have to put up with each other in all their states. Full moons are still the worst, but Sirius knows he doesn't make a pleasant drunk, and, his immense emotional fortitude and refusal to admit it aside, the War around them is taking its toll on Remus. Last night, he was up past three, still shook up and crying over the Prewetts and what would happen to Lily and James if Voldemort got Sirius, and…he doled out chocolate, Firewhiskey-infused tea, hugs, and comfort…but Sirius couldn't bring himself to say that they changed the Secret Keeper to Peter. He's still not sure if it was the doubt making him do it or how Remus was pallid and shaking and he just wanted to help, yet found himself unable to do anything.

He can't blame Remus, of course. Lily and James are their friends, closer than family (since the Ancient and Most Noble Black disowned their heir and Remus hasn't seen his parents since Sirius and James convinced him to tell them that he fancies blokes, though they at least _write_), and Harry is Sirius' godson, and the Prewetts…they were too young and too good, for one thing. And then there was Remus and Fabian's…no, affair's not the right word. From what Remus has said – which he swears is the whole story – Fabian was his first crush, not his first kiss but his first shag, and, even if they were never actually "boyfriends" as it were, they had a spark, and he filled some role in Remus' life that was now gaping and empty.

Eventually, Sirius got Remus to go to bed, but he doesn't look like he slept much, if at all, combing the paper for a mention of anyone they know snuffing it.

…And either way, Sirius knows that he may not have too much more time left in this world. He's marked as far as he knows, if only because he's been James' brother by another mother since they met on their first day at Hogwarts. There's a spy in their midst, he knows that much. And, yeah, it makes more sense for Remus to be the spy (it's him or Peter and Peter's…well, yeah), but he doesn't want to believe that, and he sure as fuck doesn't want to go down without at least saying that he's sorry for this wall that's come up between them. No matter whose fault it is, he wants to beat and kick and scream at it until it fucking falls down. Painful? Yes, definitely. But the gesture would mean more than if he just blew it to high hell with his wand. Things probably can't be the same again, ever, wars have that effect on people…but he has to try before he gives up. Remus would do the same for him.

He throws back the Firewhiskey quickly and slams the empty glass down on the table. That's it for tonight, then. New flat rule as of Wednesday: two drinks every day other than Friday. It's Remus' way of stopping a problem before it starts (technically, Sirius supposes it started third year when he discovered the joys of Butterbeer gateway booze if there ever was one, or even before Hogwarts because his father always used to drink at home), and it's the perfect motivation for him. Remus cares enough about him to stop any possible alcoholism before it actually arises…the efforts might be in vain, since Sirius can list off the alcoholic family members back past Phineas Nigellus – and then there's everything else too – but at least he gets them out there while Sirius just pussyfoots around the point. Damn it, he's not Fabian Prewett, but, if Remus is suffering, then he's going to do something.

…Even if it's just relocating to the sofa, right next to Remus so he knows that he's not alone. He nods in acknowledgement of Sirius' presence, but still doesn't look up from the paper, leaving Sirius to ponder the dying daylight on his skin and hair…his hair is getting long. Granted, it's not as long as Sirius', but then he's incredibly fond of wearing it long; it's fun to play with, and it makes old ladies call him a hooligan. Then again, Remus would take care of his hair if he wore it long, but he goes to Lily every month or so for a hair cut. It's been two months since his last one, and now he's got this…part at the bottom that flips up in the back and looks like wings. The rest is pitifully straight, but the wings…if they were feathers, Sirius would turn into Padfoot and chase them, just because it'd be a brief glimpse of fun in an otherwise fucked up world. And the sunlight makes it look less average-looking brown and more like autumn given shape…and the wings steal his eyes again.

He can't be quiet anymore. He was never any good at it in the first place. And now, Remus needs to know he's really here.

It seems like it takes forever to do it, but, once he has his lips to Remus' cheek, he wonders how he got there. As he pulls away, Remus turns his head, and his gaze is just too much; Sirius attacks and gets the lips this time. Any chasteness they started with quickly falls away, just like the paper when Remus puts his hands behind Sirius' neck and pulls him in closer. Lips grasping for each other and tongues barely touching from confused teasing, they slide back onto the sofa. Being on top feels both natural and not – on the one hand, Sirius has been more forceful since they met; on the other, Remus is smaller, and every time he moves his chest, Sirius worries that he's going to break his best mate. They only break apart for want of air.

"_Moony_," Sirius pants, making sure to look him in the eyes. "I know I'm not Fabian-"

"No…you're not," Remus sighs. "Better kisser than him."

"But you've got to _know_…Lily and James switched at the last minute. Peter's the secret keeper. …And I…I…"

"…I love you too, Sirius."

And Remus pulls him back into the kiss.

Six months later, it's March and James is dead – murdered by Voldemort. Lily is dead – she met the same fate. Peter tried to run, but he too is now pushing up daisies; Sirius banged down Mad-Eye's door on Halloween, after he and Remus saw the wreck of Godric's Hollow, and the Auror caught the rat. For all Mad-Eye's belief in capturing instead of killing, Peter put up a good fight, put a few new dents in an already too-old-too-early man, but _Avada_'d himself in the end. Turns out he was a Death Eater and a spy after all…and he was such a sweet boy in school. Incompetent, bumbling, and a follower, but…sweet. Never did any harm to anyone until he helped off James and Lily.

Sirius puts Harry to bed tonight. The new additions of a godson and a lover meant a rearrangement of bedrooms, so now Harry sleeps where Remus used to, and Remus shares a bed with him. It's still not perfect, and it still hurts that Harry will never know his parents…but there are upsides. He surprised himself with how well he adjusted to the new rules. Once they talked Dumbledore into letting them take Harry, Remus decided that some things needed to change: for example, "no more than two drinks, except on Friday" was changed to "no drinking except on Friday, and only after Harry's asleep." Sirius can't play his music loudly, and only when Harry's awake, and only if he remembers to explain that just because Sid Vicious says something doesn't make it okay. At least Harry's too young to understand it all yet.

After making sure the rascal's asleep, Sirius goes out to the sofa, greeting Remus with a kiss on the cheek. He always used to say he never wanted to be tied down, never married nor a father, but…it's not so bad. He's got Remus, Remus has him, and Harry might not have his parents, but the alternative was Lily's sister (Sirius hasn't seen her since the wedding, but she was a right snot to him, and anyone who married her can't be much better). Remus laughs softly when met with a nuzzle and five o' clock shadow, and he scratches behind Sirius' ears.

"He's asleep?"

"Nestled snugly and dreaming probably."

"Good…we should look into that too, you know."

"I didn't plan on doing any sleeping tonight-"

"Not tonight. That's why we scheduled the play date tomorrow with Molly's boys, remember?"

"O_kay_…"

"Poor Padfoot has to go without for another night. How _do_ you deal with it?"

"Oh, I manage."

He kisses Remus again, on the lips this time, and the kiss he gets in return assures him that this is hardly managing. It's better.


End file.
